Truth

Man Friend: 80% of an erection is the same thing as 0% of an erection.

gchat

Cindy: I'm being paranoid, did you get engaged?

Christina: oh GOD
no way in hell
i would have told you right away
and called
and screamed
and been 35 years old

Crime Fighting Sex?

"I've seen big, but this....this was BIG."

"How big?"

"Like, it should wear a cape and fight crime kind of big."

Birthday Strippers

Drunk Girl #1: These strippers are...fat.

Drunk Girl #2: Well, we ARE in a recession.

Intellectual/Humanitarian ISU

"It was the only date I've been on where both parties independently mentioned female genital mutilation."

First Date ISU

Date goer: I think that first dates are designed to make women feel like jerks so that they will put out.
Vicarious date goer: well if that's true then I am just a whore
because I never feel bad and I put out anyway.

3 day rule ISU

"Hating the game and ready to punch the player in the face"

Sick Day ISU

"Can I take a sick day for a sex injury?"