Truth

Man Friend: 80% of an erection is the same thing as 0% of an erection.

gchat

Cindy: I'm being paranoid, did you get engaged?

Christina: oh GOD
no way in hell
i would have told you right away
and called
and screamed
and been 35 years old

Crime Fighting Sex?

"I've seen big, but this....this was BIG."

"How big?"

"Like, it should wear a cape and fight crime kind of big."

Birthday Strippers

Drunk Girl #1: These strippers are...fat.

Drunk Girl #2: Well, we ARE in a recession.

Intellectual/Humanitarian ISU

"It was the only date I've been on where both parties independently mentioned female genital mutilation."

First Date ISU

Date goer: I think that first dates are designed to make women feel like jerks so that they will put out.
Vicarious date goer: well if that's true then I am just a whore
because I never feel bad and I put out anyway.

3 day rule ISU

"Hating the game and ready to punch the player in the face"

Sick Day ISU

"Can I take a sick day for a sex injury?"

Inappropriate Post Date Conversation

Slutty Girl: "Shamrock boxers? Really?"

Anonymous Irishman: "What? It's always Saint Patrick's Day. In my pants."

Inappropriate Mid-Date Texts

Sluttier Girl: "Should I mess around with [anonymous Irishman]?

Slutty Girl: "What does your heart tell you?"

Sluttier Girl: "Yes!...at least I think it's my heart..."

Inappapriate Pre-Date Texts

Slutty Girl: "I should stop shaving my legs before a date. Then bringing someone home isn't even an option.

Sluttier Girl: "It's still an option. I've done it."

Inappropriate History Conversation

"So basically Poland was taking it from both sides"

Inappropriate at Work

Sane Person: "Leave it to you to sexually harass someone with an emoticon."

Crazy Person: "My sexual prowess transcends technology."

Jewish Singles Night Part II

Backstory: Jenny is Jewish, Grace is not. Entering Jewish Singles Night, in an attempt to make it seem as if Grace is Jewish, Jenny poses a question to her:

Jenny: SO, Grace, what was YOUR Bat Mitzvah theme?
Grace: Christmas.
Jenny: ...
Grace: What was your Bat Mitzvah theme?
Jenny: Noah's Arc mothafuckah!!

Newly Single

Newly Single Friend: "I need to know what's new in sex. I haven't dated for awhile. Last time I was on the dating scene spanking was new and I was a bit...surprised."


Slutty Friend #1: "Hair pulling."


Slutty Friend #2: "Biting.

Dating Philosophy ISU

"I don't break up. I trade up."

High Class ISU

"'One-night stands' are for sad little people who meet in Atlantic City casinos or Midwestern hotels. 'Hooking up' is what drunken sorority girls do after their spring formals. We have affairs. Fabulous, sexy, spontaneous affairs."

Excuses ISU

"I couldn't parallel park today! Must be because I'm on my period."

XXX Bus Ride ISU

"Dear hipster asshole - if your junk is going to be in my face while I'm riding the bus, please wear pants that don't make it appear as though you have an animal fighting to get out of them."

Rut ISU

"I miss sex on the regular"

Inappropriate Yelp Review. There's no such thing as a free lunch...or dinner...or dessert

I was informed by Yelp that I should not write a review if I:

1) receive freebies for writing a review or
2) if I am connected in any way to the owners or employees

Well.

I may or may not have had hot sex with the owner on occasion, but I am a paying customer. And to be clear I pay him for food not sex. There is no money paid for sex. Or perhaps I am paying for dessert. But really….REALLY…isn’t that something Yelpers want to know about? Where they can get delicious food….with a little something extra? A little more bang (pun intended) for their buck? These are the things I want to know in life.

Oh - and the food is good, too. I give it 4 stars. The 5th is contingent upon the outcome of my next...um...meal.

Discoveries ISU

"I've discovered cup o' noodles later in life. Maybe I'll also discover weed later in life..."

Jewish Singles Night Part One

"Brazenly hit on gay Brett Favre lookalike at Jewish Singles Night."

Cutting Loose

Anonymous: "I need to drink and do something stupid"

Anonymous: "Ahh, the mating call of a Midwestern girl."

Running into ex ISU

"I need to start doing laundry on Saturday instead of Sunday so I stop running into people I've slept with"

Going out ISU

My "fuck me heels" are already saying "fuck you" to my feet.